Monday, October 24, 2016

Silent Struggle



When I decided to start a blog, I was nervous. I didn’t want to hurt feelings or make people around me uncomfortable; but the truth is, every person is entitled to their journey and how they go about dealing with it. I have found blogging to be an extreme release of emotions when I have become such a broken record in reality. It’s difficult for people to empathize with things they’ve never experienced – Blogging has opened a door to thousands if not millions of people who have experienced infertility or fertility treatments and can relate to the emotions I find myself overwhelmed with.

Even though my wife stands by my side throughout every treatment– it’s lonely. Facing the possibility of never having your own child can make you feel, almost betrayed; betrayed by my own body. The lonely aspect falls hard when you begin to shut out people around you, such as family and friends. I found today was the first day in almost a month that I talked to my family; I found myself avoiding any phone calls or cutting conversations short to avoid the questions I didn’t want to answer – the process I didn’t want to explain, the “advice” that would only frustrate me.

The worst part is worrying, I worry constantly – Have I stressed too much? Should I have not taken my ADHD medicine today? Did I lift too much? Worrying has become an everyday process; especially when things seem completely hopeless. Worrying comes in many shapes and colors; I worry about our finances and the holidays to come – I worry that my hormonal side effects will push myself or my wife past the breaking point.

Regardless of the attempts or amount of debt you may accumulate; there is no guarentee. Going through every month with hopes high and being let down creates a great deal of sadness.

The entire process is invasive – while I appreciate the professionalism of my doctor’s office; it doesn’t make it any easier to lay with multiple people staring at my vagina for either ultrasounds or inseminations. I wouldn’t say it’s painful – but having catheter through my cervix is something that requires a mental calmness and with all the hormones, stress and anxiety – it becomes difficult after a while.
As the days go by, I can’t help but wonder if I will ever become pregnant; if this process will be worth it in the end.