Thursday, March 9, 2017

22 Weeks Later

It's been a while since I've posted, the last few months have turned into the biggest rollercoaster of my life. I remember the day I saw the "positive" on my clear blue digital pregnancy test, It was unbelievable, literally. We tried so many times and failed so many times that we couldn't wrap our heads around the fact it may actually be real this time; when the ultrasound tech. told us we were having a little girl, I felt like it all became so real; I'm pregnant with our daughter, Mckenzie.

Throughout the past 22 weeks, we've seen Mckenzie grow from a sac to a beautiful little baby whose often moving around in my belly. Our lives have completely changed, our house is ready for her arrival in just four short months and we patiently went to every doctors appointment, listened to every piece of advice and did every single thing correctly, or so we thought.

When the doctor called and told me my bloodwork came back positive for the possibility of down syndrome my heart completely stopped. I hate to be so honest; but I wasn't even sure exactly what down syndrome was. I had to tell my wife who was sleeping, expecting nothing of the sort and then we had to continue our day onto work with confusion, hope and silently beginning to struggle. Weeks passed as we began receiving calls from specialist to set up appointments, ultrasounds, etc.

Two weeks later we arrived at the hospital for an ultrasound, I was nervous beyond words but excited to finally see where we would first meet our daughter one day; or so I thought. The ultrasound tech showed us our daughter for a solid thirty minutes or more, measuring every inch of her stubborn little body as she flipped around and hid her face. The doctor came in and went over the findings, she's perfect! Every inch of her measured out perfectly; every inch but her heart. I suddenly felt like it was impossible to retain anything the doctor spilled out, so many options, so many questions and all I wanted to do was rewind the clock to hearing how perfect she was. Within weeks we went for more bloodwork and within seven days the doctor called to confirm our screening was 99% positive for down syndrome.

There are no words to ever describe how it feels when the doctor calls you and tells you, your daughter not only may have a hole in her heart but she very well may be born with down syndrome and you are now being sent to deliver towns away in a bigger, more equipped hospital. I've never felt so defeated in my entire life; hopeless, confused, angry, sad and beyond everything else; guilty.

It was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do, walk in and tell Nikki that our daughter was up against a great battle and there wasn't anything at this point that we could do. For the first time ever, we broke. We didn't know what to say to each other, to anyone else. A million thoughts raced through our minds, we refused to believe this was happening and even today, not even a week later I still find it hard to wrap my head around.

Over the next month, we have several appointments to check on our baby, several appointments to make it through to try and understand what's happening, what's going to happen and face the music of reality. Becoming pregnant was what I thought was the greatest struggle of my life, now as my life has taken a complete 360 degree turn around the sharpest corner of my life, I admit becoming pregnant wasn't the struggle, becoming a mom and trying to make the best decisions we can has been the struggle of all struggles.