Monday, July 31, 2017

Bringing McKenzie home


After Nikki returned to Daytona for work, the hospital was kind enough to put me and McKenzie on the 11th floor, it was the first time Nikki and I had ever spent any time apart and while it wasn't home, the room was comfortable as I was finally able to eat, sleep and shower while still being with McKenzie.

McKenzie spent ten days in the ICU and NICU, the doctors and nurses were amazing with us and her, but that didn't change the pit of my stomach from turning into knots. I never imagined the amount of love I would develop over the next several days as we very helplessly waited for any news on McKenzie's health or discharge possibilities. We never imagined dealing with amount of emotions we were now dealing with. 

Eventually one machine after another were being disconnected; every day a new doctor or therapist would meet with us and overload our minds with information - McKenzie no doubt had the best of the best looking out for her and her future and while we were completely exhausted and overloaded with information - we were beyond thankful for those involved in the care for McKenzie. On Sunday, July 16th McKenzie was discharged

Bringing McKenzie home was a dream come true; she was sleeping so peacefully the entire ride and proved to be just as perfect as we had always imagined. We've been home for two weeks today and things have been amazing but challenging. McKenzie sleeps through the night, but often turns blue. I have found myself laying in bed watching her bassinet to make sure shes still breathing. During the day she won't take much from the bottle and so we changed her formula. It's hard bringing home a baby, but its really a challenge bringing home a baby with a heart defect and down syndrome. McKenzie has opened our eyes to an entire new world- a world full of endless opportunities and love like none other. 

While we have a long, busy road ahead for the health of McKenzie - we will continue to keep our faith that not only her development progresses well but her heart surgery is successful and her recovery is quick. 
It feels like just yesterday we received the down syndrome diagnosis, foolishly we allowed it to completely alter our lives for months. When we saw McKenzie, we saw our daughter; we didn't see down syndrome or heart defects - we saw our beautiful, god given angel. It was in this moment we realized the meaning behind our journey wasn't to cause us struggle but to create an undeniable strength full of acceptance, patience and above all else; love.



Sunday, July 16, 2017

The world of ICU and NICU's

For all the things my hands have held, the best by far is you.

When I was pregnant we toured the ICU and NICU, we wanted to have as much knowledge as we could to prepare for her stay; but the truth is – there was no amount of planning or knowledge that could have prepared us for this. Seeing our babies little body hooked up to IV lines, Oxygen tubes and monitors; watching nurses come and go to check her weight, vitals and heart; it’s the most helpless emotion a mother could ever imagine.

As my recovery from my C-Section began, I found myself rushing the process to have as many visits with McKenzie as possible; they said I needed to walk – so I walked. They said I needed to go off IV’s – so I went off IV’s. I found strength I never knew I had and if it wasn’t for Nikki standing by my side and supporting my every move, I don’t know how I would have or could have ever gone through these last few days.

As new moms, we assumed there would be an adjustment period; regardless of how badly we waited for this, we would both still need to adjust ourselves to becoming moms. When we imagined getting to know our baby, we didn’t exactly picture an infant tangled up in tubes, wires and machines that constantly beeped. Overwhelming love, fear, anger, detachment, and helplessness are just some of the emotions that flooded my heart; I thought I would get through this without a problem, I figured it would only be a few days; but those few days turned into almost two weeks and eventually Nikki had to return to work leaving McKenzie and I in Orlando. I sat by her crib almost all day for three days straight, I wasn’t learning how to care for a newborn like most moms a week after giving birth – I was watching as nurses and doctors entered and left the room throughout the day and night, I watched as she cried, unable to do anything but wait for a nurse to come. I learned so much from the nurses, but so badly wanted to care for my baby on my own.

The truth is, there are millions of families that go through this (and much worse) – this was our first and McKenzie began teaching us the lessons of parenthood immediately. We learned a lot those two weeks, mostly we learned to deal with life first and ourselves second. We learned that it doesn’t matter how badly we are hurting or how numb we’ve become, all that mattered at that moment was McKenzie- WE learned the act of selflessness and that will help when we return in a few months for her heart surgery. 

Tuesday, July 11, 2017

Welcome, McKenzie.



On July 5th, we packed our bags for Winnie Palmer, it was induction day. We arrived at 10:45am and got settled in our room by 11:30am.  The room was beautiful, we watched as the helicopter left and returned to Arnold Palmer over and over again, we watched the sun set while the doctors came by, introduced themselves and began prepping me for what would be the most intense hours of my life. Around 5pm they gave me my first induction pill; shortly after I began doing small rolls on a ball to loosen up my hips. We watched television and joked, we ate and took naps. Around midnight I received my second pill; at 1am the contractions began.

After contractions all night, they became so terrible I was taken to labor and delivery. The entire process was touch and go as I couldn't function over the pain. The nurses there were so helpful, and once I got an epidural I was able to calm down.  My water broke at 10:39 am but at 11am Doctors inserted a needle vaginally into McKenzie's skull to get a better heart rate. By 11:30am the doctors said McKenzie’s heart had stopped twice. They handed Nikki a gown and started flipping me from one side to the next. By 11:45 the doctor rushed us to a C-Section. Laying on the table, I felt my body shake from them working, I was terrified. “Are you ready to see her?” They asked as they pulled down the curtain. I sat up as much as I possibly could, trying to see every inch of this beautiful angel that we had been anxiously waiting for. My eyes swelled up in tears as she let her cry out, I couldn’t believe anything that was happening; my life was being held in front of me, my heart and soul were complete.

We saw her long enough for a picture and a kiss and away she went, I knew she’d be ok because Nikki left with her. The time began to stand still as they finished closing my C-Section; I struggled with thoughts and emotions and soon I found myself struggling to breathe as well. I woke up as I was being rolled into the recovery room where Nikki was waiting. I felt my body shaking uncontrollably and soon I was asleep again, and awake and asleep again. A few hours passed when I finally came too, I was upset because I wanted to see McKenzie but I was also so weak. I had gotten sepsis and a high fever during my c-section. I felt so helpless, so sick, so tired and all I wanted was to see McKenzie. In order to see her, I had to rid my fever, so for an hour I sat on ten bags of ice. After my temp was normal and multiple bags of antibiotics (along with a lot of persistence), we were finally able to visit our baby.

What a year it's been, so far.