For all the things my hands have held, the best by far is you.
When I was pregnant we toured the ICU and NICU, we wanted to
have as much knowledge as we could to prepare for her stay; but the truth is –
there was no amount of planning or knowledge that could have prepared us for
this. Seeing our babies little body hooked up to IV lines, Oxygen tubes and
monitors; watching nurses come and go to check her weight, vitals and heart; it’s
the most helpless emotion a mother could ever imagine.
As my recovery from my C-Section began, I found myself
rushing the process to have as many visits with McKenzie as possible; they said
I needed to walk – so I walked. They said I needed to go off IV’s – so I went
off IV’s. I found strength I never knew I had and if it wasn’t for Nikki
standing by my side and supporting my every move, I don’t know how I would have
or could have ever gone through these last few days.
As new moms, we assumed there would be an adjustment period;
regardless of how badly we waited for this, we would both still need to adjust
ourselves to becoming moms. When we imagined getting to know our baby, we didn’t
exactly picture an infant tangled up in tubes, wires and machines that constantly
beeped. Overwhelming love, fear, anger, detachment, and helplessness are just
some of the emotions that flooded my heart; I thought I would get through this
without a problem, I figured it would only be a few days; but those few days
turned into almost two weeks and eventually Nikki had to return to work leaving
McKenzie and I in Orlando. I sat by her crib almost all day for three days
straight, I wasn’t learning how to care for a newborn like most moms a week after
giving birth – I was watching as nurses and doctors entered and left the room
throughout the day and night, I watched as she cried, unable to do anything but
wait for a nurse to come. I learned so much from the nurses, but so badly wanted to care for my baby on my own.
The truth is, there are millions of families that go through
this (and much worse) – this was our first and McKenzie began teaching us the
lessons of parenthood immediately. We learned a lot those two weeks, mostly we
learned to deal with life first and ourselves second. We learned that it doesn’t
matter how badly we are hurting or how numb we’ve become, all that mattered at
that moment was McKenzie- WE learned the act of selflessness and that will help
when we return in a few months for her heart surgery.
