“Heart Failure”; two words no mother ever wants to hear. We
knew McKenzie would eventually have heart surgery when she was strong enough
around four to six months; we also knew we would need to work hard on ensuring
she stayed healthy and gained weight in the meantime. Two weeks after she came home she started to sound congested, so I took her to the hospital to
be safe. The doctor checked McKenzie and documented all her health conditions,
she then turned to me and explained color of her skin, low lungs, and
low weight. I stood by McKenzie’s
bedside as the doctor finished explaining her findings, I expected a list of
things to do and a check out to follow.
When the doctor turned and said she was sending us back to Orlando because McKenzie was in the beginning stages of heart failure, I felt my heart drop. As Nikki rushed home to pack a bag, McKenzie and I were taken by ambulance to Arnold Palmer. A million things raced through my head during that ride; having a child with a life-threatening condition changes you.
When the doctor turned and said she was sending us back to Orlando because McKenzie was in the beginning stages of heart failure, I felt my heart drop. As Nikki rushed home to pack a bag, McKenzie and I were taken by ambulance to Arnold Palmer. A million things raced through my head during that ride; having a child with a life-threatening condition changes you.
The doctors at Arnold Palmer began giving her a dietetic to flush her lungs. While they explained the processes to come. I couldn’t believe
after just two weeks from leaving the last round of being in the ICU that we were
back.We expected
complications, we expected hospital stays and knew it wouldn’t be easy but
having our baby back in the ICU so soon was like a slap in the face.
The stress and exhaustion causes emotional ups and downs.
Sleeping in hospital chairs, skipping meals and showers, crying from fear and
exhaustion, constantly on the verge of losing our mind. The doctors decided
since McKenzie is unable to gain weight due to her heart condition, she will
have a tube placed in her stomach until she is roughly a year old. While we
know and understand this will help her gain weight and strength; at what point
are we supposed to accept that yet another aspect of the life we imagined for
her has changed.
As I sit in another small room cramped with hospital equipment, I listen to the cries of other children, the constant beeping of multiple machines throughout the hall, the constant beeping of machines throughout our daughter’s room. I can’t help but become discourage and disconnected as I watch the doctors and nurses decide what’s best for our daughter; as I sit helplessly asking questions and voicing concerns.
As I sit in another small room cramped with hospital equipment, I listen to the cries of other children, the constant beeping of multiple machines throughout the hall, the constant beeping of machines throughout our daughter’s room. I can’t help but become discourage and disconnected as I watch the doctors and nurses decide what’s best for our daughter; as I sit helplessly asking questions and voicing concerns.
Today, I relived the pain of saying goodbye to my wife as
she had to return to work. Today, I relived the pain of feeling torn between wanting
to leave with Nikki and not being able to leave our baby. I watched as she
walked away with tears in her eyes, I felt my heart in my throat as I continued to talk with nurses and care for McKenzie. Once the room was quiet
again, I broke. The truth is; being a mom teaches you strengths you didn’t know
you had and fears you didn’t know existed. Being a wife and a mom teaches you
there is only one way to get through; keep
going.
While we are still in the cardiovascular ICU at Arnold
Palmer, McKenzie’s doctors have created a plan to get her where she needs to
be. McKenzie continues to be strong and her doctors continue to make
moves forward with her health; Nikki and I will continue to survive through
what feels like the worst possible time of our lives today and what will be a
distant memory of life in the ICU; another day.