Tuesday, April 18, 2017

Entering the unknown

It's been weeks since we found out about the possibility of McKenzie having down syndromeWe have been quietly dealing with our thoughts and attempting to understand what exactly is happening. We have had the option to have an amniocentesis done, however it entails risks we aren't willing to take. The week before our due anatomy scan we were sent to Halifax Hospital to meet with specialists to determine measurements and document any other markers that indicate the possibility of Down Syndrome

The ultrasound was the first one we had since the doctor called. She was beautiful, she moves so much! She’s so active! Her nasal bone is perfect, her arms, legs, toes, fingers, weight, body is measuring perfect. Maybe this was all just a big false; then the doctor came in. While he reviewed all of her perfect measurement’s and results, he also announced the one image imperfectionher heart. I instantly became numb and sick. 

After several trips to the doctors and multiple blood-work appointments, we had to wait. It was second nature to believe these tests were wrong; after everything we had done to get here; how could this be happening? Four long, dreadful days went by and the phone rang with the results; The blood work determined there is a 99.9 percent chance your child will be born with Down syndrome.

After hearing the results of the blood work we were left in a pool of emotions. When we got pregnant the first thing we thought was what the gender would be, what the name would be and how excited we were to meet him or her. When we got pregnant we instantly began making plans, what would we involve her in? What sports would she play, if any? Would she be smart like Nikki or stubborn like me? Would she be funny like her grandpa's or loving like her grandma's? We had so many expectations for what her life would be and found ourselves grieving this ideal life we had so anxiously planned.

A cycle of negativity quickly began;  “What could I have done to prevent this?”, “What did we do wrong?”, “How am I going to manage this change?” On top of dealing with these questions of, “Why me, why now?” comes shame. Not shame of the child, but shame of the emotions we were feeling.

What a year it's been, so far.