Welcome, McKenzie.

On July 5^th, we packed our bags for Winnie Palmer, it was induction day. We arrived at 10:45am and got settled in our room by 11:30am.  The room was beautiful, we watched as the helicopter left and returned to Arnold Palmer over and over again, we watched the sun set while the doctors came by, introduced themselves and began prepping me for what would be the most intense hours of my life. Around 5pm they gave me my first induction pill; shortly after I began doing small rolls on a ball to loosen up my hips. We watched television and joked, we ate and took naps. Around midnight I received my second pill; at 1am the contractions began.

After contractions all night, they became so terrible I was taken to labor and delivery. The entire process was touch and go as I couldn't function over the pain. The nurses there were so helpful, and once I got an epidural I was able to calm down.  My water broke at 10:39 am but at 11am Doctors inserted a needle vaginally into McKenzie's skull to get a better heart rate. By 11:30am the doctors said McKenzie’s heart had stopped twice. They handed Nikki a gown and started flipping me from one side to the next. By 11:45 the doctor rushed us to a C-Section. Laying on the table, I felt my body shake from them working, I was terrified. “Are you ready to see her?” They asked as they pulled down the curtain. I sat up as much as I possibly could, trying to see every inch of this beautiful angel that we had been anxiously waiting for. My eyes swelled up in tears as she let her cry out, I couldn’t believe anything that was happening; my life was being held in front of me, my heart and soul were complete.

We saw her long enough for a picture and a kiss and away she went, I knew she’d be ok because Nikki left with her. The time began to stand still as they finished closing my C-Section; I struggled with thoughts and emotions and soon I found myself struggling to breathe as well. I woke up as I was being rolled into the recovery room where Nikki was waiting. I felt my body shaking uncontrollably and soon I was asleep again, and awake and asleep again. A few hours passed when I finally came too, I was upset because I wanted to see McKenzie but I was also so weak. I had gotten sepsis and a high fever during my c-section. I felt so helpless, so sick, so tired and all I wanted was to see McKenzie. In order to see her, I had to rid my fever, so for an hour I sat on ten bags of ice. After my temp was normal and multiple bags of antibiotics (along with a lot of persistence), we were finally able to visit our baby.

The devastating, lovely baby shower.

Our journey has become the most intense roller coaster of all times.

The last nine months have proved to be the most terrifying months of my life, thus far. I have learned so much in such a short time, some of the biggest lessons have been the lessons of loss. We loss the life we planned for our daughter, we loss our hope and at times faith. I remember just nine months ago when I felt I had everything all figured out, but the truth is; everything changed so quickly.

There are truly no words to describe the pain that shadowed the last few months of our pregnancy. On May 19^th, the day before our baby shower; we lost one of our best friends, Ashley. Ashley began our journey with us, she bought our first pregnancy test and lived in the room that is now McKenzie’s nursery. Ashley was our biggest fan and while it’s been extremely difficult to come to terms with her passing, we keep faith she is now McKenzie’s angel and will always look over her. We are blessed to have had her in our lives and we miss her, so much.

Our baby shower was nothing short of amazing, our friends and family came together with so much love. My Grandma said a beautiful prayer for Ashley and while we mourned our friend, we embraced those who surrounded us and showered our baby with so much love.

We are getting closer to our due date and beyond ready to meet our little girl. We are blessed to have such a strong support system and both friends and family that love so much.  Nikki was perfect, fixing everything, building everything else and working so much extra to allow my rest. The house is ready, the bags are packed! I have been cleaning endlessly and put all reading and researching aside - I don't want to create an image of what McKenzie will be, I want to meet McKenzie and let her show us who she will be!

One thing I know for sure - she will be loved, treasured and spoiled as all possible!

The new plan;

We have been consumed with appointments and news throughout the last few weeks. After Halifax in Daytona found our daughters heart defect, our pregnancy went from normal to high risk. Dr. Cortez transferred most of my care to Winnie Palmer in Orlando where we have been receiving ultrasounds and preparing for a high-risk birth. Today, we had our first fetal-echo appointment across the street at Arnold Palmer. Arnold Palmer is basically attached to Winnie and just as big, beautiful and overwhelming.

I remember when I use to get excited for our appointments, and now I can barely tolerate the continued undesirable news these appointments bring. Today, our fetal-echo confirmed our daughters heart defect. "Complete Atrioventricular Canal Defect" "Heart Disease" "Congenital Heart Defect", genetic related, down-syndrome and eventually everything the doctor was saying became background noise. 

There's no way to explain how much my heart hurts. I have found myself unable to accept this as our new lives to be. Are we strong enough to withstand the storm this will cause? Will our baby need open heart surgery right away? Will I be able to care for a baby with so many medical needs? I barely understand the medical terms that were explained today. The emotions are overwhelming and every ride back from Orlando is silent as we both are finding our own ways to digest the news.

We decided to announce it to our family and friends and have been overwhelmed with encouraging words and support and some shock. The hardest part is not having anyone close to us understand and when we see our friend's beautiful healthy, perfect children - it's hard not to feel resentment. It's hard not to get angry which is instantly followed by guilt for feeling these emotions. I don't know what our baby is going to be, but I know I will love her endlessly. - that should be a good enough plan, right?

Diagnosis Emotions

There is no easy way to enter the process of hearing your baby will be born with Down syndrome and a heart defect – there is no word to explain the grief, shock, anger or feeling of isolation. Soon, we found ourselves booked with appointments; meeting with doctors, specialist and genetic teams to gain a better understanding and view of her heart. The overload of information was overwhelming, in those first few weeks, after hearing statistics, talking to doctors and reading about it everywhere, we thought we knew what it all meant but to be honest, we were completely and utterly devastated.

It wasn’t until the third appointment at Winnie Palmer that we finally broke down. I cried on the bathroom floor for what felt like hours, the baby we imagined would be deprived and live a life shorter then what she deserved. The days began to pass and I found comfort in sleeping them away while Nikki spent the nights building things and keeping her mind completely busy.

We were shocked, we became devastated. We were angry, we became resentful. We refused to open her bedroom door, we felt guilty. There was a process of grief as we had to let go of the image we created for our daughter and accept what would be. We began to mourn and let go of the expectations we had developed for her.

Weeks went by before we were able to sit and talk about it, we were overwhelmed. We are still adjusting and find we may still be showing signs of shock, but we have learned from other parents that we will move away from this time of uncertainty to a place of excitement and amazement. We have a lot to learn in the next few months about Down syndrome. We have already started to research and are set up to deliver in one of the best hospitals around. Some of the most important things we've learned are that each person with Down syndrome is a unique individual, and that with recent advances in medicine, education and acceptance, our daughter will live a rich and rewarding life, and will enrich ours as well. While we never expected this to happen it opened our eyes and made us begin to appreciate the health that she does have and the gift of life.

The truth is, we are keeping faith that this will be ok. We spent years waiting for this miracle and will no longer allow a diagnosis to take away the pure joy of our daughter; Mckenzie.

Entering the unknown

It's been weeks since we found out about the possibility of McKenzie having down syndrome; We have been quietly dealing with our thoughts and attempting to understand what exactly is happening. We have had the option to have an amniocentesis done, however it entails risks we aren't willing to take. The week before our due anatomy scan we were sent to Halifax Hospital to meet with specialists to determine measurements and document any other markers that indicate the possibility of Down Syndrome. 

The ultrasound was the first one we had since the doctor called. She was beautiful, she moves so much! She’s so active! Her nasal bone is perfect, her arms, legs, toes, fingers, weight, body is measuring perfect. Maybe this was all just a big false; then the doctor came in. While he reviewed all of her perfect measurement’s and results, he also announced the one image imperfection – her heart. I instantly became numb and sick. 


After several trips to the doctors and multiple blood-work appointments, we had to wait. It was second nature to believe these tests were wrong; after everything we had done to get here; how could this be happening? Four long, dreadful days went by and the phone rang with the results; “The blood work determined there is a 99.9 percent chance your child will be born with Down syndrome.”

After hearing the results of the blood work we were left in a pool of emotions. When we got pregnant the first thing we thought was what the gender would be, what the name would be and how excited we were to meet him or her. When we got pregnant we instantly began making plans, what would we involve her in? What sports would she play, if any? Would she be smart like Nikki or stubborn like me? Would she be funny like her grandpa's or loving like her grandma's? We had so many expectations for what her life would be and found ourselves grieving this ideal life we had so anxiously planned.

A cycle of negativity quickly began;  “What could I have done to prevent this?”, “What did we do wrong?”, “How am I going to manage this change?” On top of dealing with these questions of, “Why me, why now?” comes shame. Not shame of the child, but shame of the emotions we were feeling.