From the other side;

When we embarked on our journey to start a family, I never considered how exactly I’d feel once it finally happened, if it ever did. During the three year process of trying to conceive, there were many hopeful weeks turned into many hopeless months. When we were fortunate enough to find Dr.Cortez and begin the process of fertility treatments and IUI; I found it extremely difficult to believe it was actually happening and could actually be a possibility. The hormones were overwhelming me and I truly felt that there was only so much more I could handle before throwing in the towel. Sometimes, in the mist of my happiness I sit and think about the entire process of becoming pregnant and how much we really have endured along the way. I feel so much for those who aren’t lucky enough to get their positive or for those who are just beginning their journey. It’s such a long, confusing, unfair road but if you’re ever fortunate enough; it’s the most rewarding journey.

Today, was our first appointment with the doctor since we got our positive pregnancy test and bloodwork; We got there a little early, still exhausted from the lack of sleep. As I sat in the waiting room, I recalled the first time we visited that office, I also recalled never truly believing I’d go there like so many other women, pregnant. When the lady finally called my name, we followed her back past the regular doctor rooms to a room I had learned about quickly with the fertility treatments; I was getting an ultrasound! I wanted to jump out of my skin with excitement at the possibility of seeing our little baby’s new home for the next nine months.

The ultrasound showed exactly that; our babies little sac, as healthy as it could be for 5 weeks and 3 days pregnant. The ultrasound was amazing for us both; I looked over as Nikki watched the screen and felt a warmness overwhelm my entire being; we were going to be parents, we had finally made it, we did it together. The ultrasound lady was so sweet and explained every bit of it to us both – the fertility drugs gave me multiple large cysts on my ovary but we were ensured it would not cause harm to the baby. We talked to Dr.Cortez briefly and scheduled an appointment for two weeks, when I’m 8 weeks pregnant to confirm growth and a heartbeat.

We walked out of the big brown double doors to the lobby, holding our babies ultrasound picture closely. I had never felt so proud, so successful, so fulfilled. On the way home, my insurance company called and told me they were dropping my doctor – however, would continue my coverage for 6 weeks post my due date; that was icing on the cake – I thought. As we pulled into our complex, we decided to check the mail as it’s the beginning of the month and bills are being sent. I opened the mail and found a onesie I had ordered several days ago and two refund checks from our insurance company! I felt as the day could literally not get any better!

Not bad for our first doctor’s appointment – I’d do the entire process over and over again if it meant we would end up with this amazing experience and baby on the way. I can’t lie, the nerves from my 8 week ultrasound are more severe than ever, but with a lot of praying and caring for myself – I’m keeping faith. That’s the thing, you have to keep faith – for anyone beginning this journey, there is no reassuring thing I can say, but I can offer advice to keep going, keep trying and keep giving all the faith you have.

The 5th Week

The last week in a half has been one from a dream; I’m pregnant, I’m pregnant! I just can’t seem to say it enough. We have our first appointment Friday – We are beyond excited. While it’s too soon for an ultrasound, we will get our chart established and hopefully have many answers to our many questions.

Becoming pregnant has been one of the best things I’ve ever experienced, there isn’t one mood swing, hot flash or nightly nausea session I would give up. I have dreamed and prayed for this moment for what feels like a lifetime and feel beyond excited and so very terrified all at once. Of course, terrified of miscarrying, terrified of something going wrong but we are staying positive and are surrounded by nothing but support and love, with that we can go nowhere but up.

We went to the baby store the other day and got a pregnancy journal; it’s been so much fun updating it and entering all our information and desires into it. We created registries and have so much planned already, who needs 9 months?

 I will admit, while this process has become a dream come true – it’s one very overwhelming dream. I suppose we forgot how much others would find the desire to be so involved, while I understand their excitement; we are selfishly wanting to hold as much of this process to ourselves because it’s our first positive, our first time, and our first baby. I’m sure this is simply a part of the process and so I am embracing it to the best of my ability.

We have decided on names, colors for both genders, how we want the baby room and what we need to get done prior to July. Nikki has been amazing and she is beyond excited – I hope she continues to feel just as included as possible, it’s difficult in a gay marriage – my family is beyond ecstatic and trying to be involved and it’s so important to me to ensure her and her family feel just as included. We’ve found the adoption process for when baby is born and truly cannot wait to meet baby boy Julian or baby girl Mckenzie.

Patience is a virtue

I started this blog so I could find an escape for my emotions while we dealt with fertility treatments, IUI’s and let downs; Now, I sit with a baby in the making and I feel like our journey is just beginning, why quit now? Over the past three years, I never thought I’d sit here pregnant – I never thought I’d imagine the day my baby calls me mommy. This feeling is amazing! But, just as I felt with the fertility treatment process, I have become a broken record. I want to talk about it all the time, I want to read and learn as much as I can, buy things, rearrange things and feel every symptom possible.

We’ve waited for what feels like a life time for our dreams to come true, today they feel very much as if they are doing just that; coming true. I am four weeks pregnant with great beta and progesterone levels and Nikki interviewed for an internship that will land her a great job come March when she graduates; I could not be more proud of her, she has worked so hard for her future career to take care of us, she was so nervous and did so great! I firmly believe I married the one person who was made for me.

Blogging has become a great way to talk about built up emotions; good or bad – Looking back on previous posts, I read as our life slowly began changing and I hope to do that again in our future as I lay our baby down for a nap on a difficult day, to remind myself how hard we worked to get to that difficult day, because every second is well worth it!

The first trimester is the hardest – while everyone I’ve talked too has told us not to post or say anything until we are through the first 12 weeks; I literally could not contain myself. Without wanting to jinx it; I feel in my heart that everything will be ok. We have names picked out, nursery themes for both genders and find ourselves window shopping every opportunity we get. Life couldn’t get better than this..

Let it be

With our bank account and credit cards maxed out, we slowly began losing hope. For the past three years; we've endured a great deal of let downs. Over the past three months, we attempted to regain our faith and attempt our first try with IUI. Each month that slowly passed, I found myself quickly loosing hope again. I became numb to the treatment process and it quickly overtook our lives.

On Monday October 17th we drove once again to Twin Lakes Medical Center. As we underwent another ultrasound, another trigger shot and were sent home with another month ahead of wonder, hope and possible let down. This was the month we decided to "Let it be" - we would not symptom check, we would not overthink it and there was no googling allowed. When we returned to the doctors office on Tuesday October 18th and underwent our second IUI, I was overwhelmed with positivity. I told Nikki it would be our month. I said it, and instantly regretted it as I didn't want to get our hopes up yet, once again. But, there we were driving home with our hopes secretly high and our faith slowly fading.

On Friday October 28th (10dpo) while working I began feeling funny; my stomach was hurting and I had the strangest rounds of cramps but quickly they went away. When Saturday (11dpo) came around, I began feeling the cramps a little more - followed by slight nausea; of course I debunked my new feelings as my period being due soon and tried to block them out. I did not symptom spot at all - we did not think about it, talk about it or suggest the possibility of it. Sunday morning (12dpo) we woke up for work; I took my daily medication that typically gives me quite a bit of energy, however, within two hours I was ready for bed! I refused to test, I refused to link it to the possibility that just maybe this IUI worked.

It was around 8:30am on Halloween morning; (13dpo) I heard my phone vibrating from a toll-free caller so loudly that it woke me up. I walked to it, ignored the call and decided to pee. When I got in the bathroom, without even thinking - I grabbed the clear blue digital pregnancy test and p

eed on it. I put it on the counter as I began to repeat "It will say not pregnant, don't let it ruin your day" I closed my eyes and continued to repeat it followed with "its going to be ok, you can just go back to sleep. Put it in the trash and try again" And then it happened, the test was completed and I wiped my eyes because what I saw seemed impossible. "PREGNANT" .... just like that, pregnant.

I quickly stood up and walked into our bedroom where Nikki laid asleep without any knowledge of the pure joy I just experienced. "Nikki"... "Nikki"... I repeated two or three times before she opened her eyes to see the pregnancy test I was holding.. she looked at it once or twice and then looked at me with a smile across her face she held me closely. It was too unbelievable! We sent an email to the doctor and requested an appointment for bloodwork. Around 2pm we got to the clinic for bloodwork, followed with lunch at Olive Garden and then made a decision to tell my mom. - Was that a good decision? Probably not, her excitement quickly reminded me how much it would hurt if the result came back negative.

I had a little spotting Halloween night, I was overly upset that I had done this to myself again! The spotting became dark and faint, and then gone completely. There were so many emotions, we decided to test again - another positive, and anoth

er. All we could do was wait - Tuesday morning, (14dpo) the doctors office called with life changing news. Your hcg levels are at 80, You're pregnant! From this point we will schedule you another bloodwork appointment to make sure your hcg levels are raising at the pace they should be. On Thursday, I will return to have my bloodwork taken and await the hopeful good news come Friday morning.

I never, in my wildest dreams thought I would see a positive pregnancy test - I never thought I would finally have the day to tell my wife that we did it - that I did it. This week has been overwhelming with joy.. not to mention - Nikki has an interview for a company that will surely begin her career as she finishes her bachelors degree. I never believed her when she told me to keep my patience, I refused to believe her when she said things would happen but we were doing it the right way so it was going to take time. Nikki kept faith and her faith kept us moving forward. Today, I can happily say she was right - 100 % right.

While we are in the danger of first trimester miscarriage, we boasted to our family and friends! We are enjoying every second of our first real - confirmed pregnancy.