Tuesday, October 4, 2016

So close, but still too far.


I went to sleep last night with prayers sent off while holding onto any hope within me. I cuddled up close with my wife and puppy and slowly drifted into sleep. This morning I felt the sun through the window and awoke immediately to find my phone, hoping for an e-mail from the doctor; and just as I expected, it was sitting in my inbox waiting to be opened.

“I’m sorry, your test was negative” and the little hope I was trying so hard to hold onto, I let go. I looked at my wife as she laid there sleeping, still hope in her heart and eventually drifted back to sleep. I knew in my heart there was a good chance this would happen, I suppose I half way expected it but couldn’t help but become overly excited; thinking of ways I wanted to tell the ones closest to me, thinking of names and wandering off with exciting thoughts. I don’t exactly know what happened- I had the positive tests, but negative bloodwork. It seems that it was a chemical pregnancy or maybe the trigger stayed in my system longer than most. I don’t honestly know but I do know that my heart is heavy.

I told myself, regardless of the outcome I would stay strong, I wouldn’t cry and I would go on with the day the best way I could- and that’s what I started to do. I struggled out of bed after a short conversation with my mom and tried to focus on anything but what was on my mind – until we got to work and there was nothing to focus on, no orders to make and nothing to keep off how I felt inside and it all hit me at once. I began thinking about when I had the positive test and saw Nikki’s face I felt like I finally did it, I finally gave her a glimpse of hope that our dreams were really coming true.

And just like clockwork, my period has arrived. I think about everything I’ve done in the past two weeks, things I’ve said or thought quietly to myself; was I not thankful enough? Were my prayers to selfish? Did I stress myself out? Should I have stopped taking my medicine sooner? Did I cause this to happen to us, again?
Tonight, I told Nikki I felt like I was loosing faith. I sat on the couch as I held back the tears I'd been fighting as she leaned in and held me, she told me her faith was strong enough for us both and regardless, we had to keep faith in God's plan. It's much easier said, than done but her faith has been the only thing keeping me ok tonight. When I started this blog, she encouraged my every post. Our journey has been full of obstacles and seems to only become more intense, but I can say - there's nobody else I'd rather run this course with.

I don’t know what our next step is; I can only assume more fertility medicine, scans, hormonal days and waiting, a lot more waiting. However, tonight, I have to feel; I have to get through the emotional rollercoaster I agreed to ride and tomorrow I have to be ok, because life has to go on.