Monday, September 19, 2016

What's important


Sometimes, in the midst of our storms we forget those around us. We tend to lash out on the ones we love the most. Starting the process of an IUI or dealing with the possibility of infertility, a million things change from day to day. After the medication, after the sleepless nights and unanswered prayers; we tend to lose hope and sometimes fall short of being the person that we once were. This process can change someone and many times, it does.

While my entire blog has been full of IUI and infertility emotions, there’s a major factor in this process that I don’t feel I’ve given much attention too; my wife. We started this journey together and while my body has been taking the physical toll of the effects, she has emotionally taken her amount of tolls as well. Today, when I saw her eyes focusing on the ultrasound screen, listening and taking in every word and mental note as she could, I found great comfort and security reading her facial expressions; It was at this point I realized, she has been dealing with just as much as I had and I felt completely selfish for not acknowledging it sooner. It gets hard to remember at times, that this process involves more than just myself.

I remember plenty of times we’ve tried to conceive, we watched and monitored ovulation and two week wait symptoms; we stared at pregnancy tests hoping for a second line to appear, we went through this hand in hand, time and time again. There was so much anger, so much hurt, so much disappointment and eventually, too much numbness. That’s why we decided to come to terms with what it was, we decided to take it as it comes and move forward with our lives.

It wasn’t until the doctor’s visit on July 25th where the doctor asked our plans that we even allowed the thoughts to enter our minds again, it was then I decided I wasn’t going to put her through all of the emotions I felt I subjected her too before, I wanted to deal with it the best I could and keep her from any of my destructive emotions. By doing this, I became obsessed with dealing on my own, but somehow, I still found myself winning and venting about the medication, the side effects and the toll I was beginning to feel. I didn’t acknowledge she was going through it too, regardless of what I tried to keep private.

The truth is, I couldn’t do this without her, none of this. I want this to be our family, I want her to feel just as connected to this as I can and by doing so, I must admit my wrong doings and accept that she is also feeling all kinds of ways. So, I suppose I just hope anyone who may be experiencing a situation similar to ours, keep yourself open to your spouse and never think for a moment that they aren’t going through it with you; even when they become silent, even when they don’t talk about it or when they simply brush off the conversation; everyone deals with emotions differently and the truth is, I am blessed to have such an amazing, strong, patient and caring person by my side along this journey.