Monday, September 19, 2016

The man in the can

After five incredibly annoying days on Clomid, I finished it last night! I started this week with very little thoughts about what would come, as a matter of fact; I've focused on everything and anything I could in order to ensure I didn't obsess over the Clomid, the side effects or the results. Unfortunately, there was one day that I just couldn't deal and found myself crying for hours. Sometimes, I don't know whether the Clomid makes me emotional or if the process makes me emotional, either way; it sucks. I am thankful for the understanding of my wife who has stuck by my side through and through, the hugs when she didn't know what to do and the ability to see a brighter side when I just couldn't.  

Last night, we went to bed with knots in our stomachs, as we didn't know what today would bring. My ultrasound was at 8am and her doctors at 2pm, both extremely important appointments we desperately prayed for them to turn out in our favor. When we got to my appointment, I couldn't help but to be hesitant as I didn't know what to expect after falling short last month. Luckily, we got into the exam room quickly to find several matured follicles; whereas I only had one the previous month. Of course; there I was wondering the possibility of it being our month. After the exam we went into another room and waited for the doctor.  We rambled a bit of nonsense, minutes felt like hours, and while it was only 20 minutes or so; we very impatiently waited.

The doctor finally came in, with my results in his hand we watched his every gesture. He asked how our day was and explained the results. He then said, “Let’s do your trigger shot tomorrow, and the insemination on Wednesday.” followed with "It's time to order the man in the can", we still laugh at that remark as it was just the amount of humor we needed. While we had such a strong feeling that everything was ready to go; when it was confirmed by the doctor I can’t explain the amount of joy that ran through us. Of course, our day wasn’t over yet and while we were extremely happy with our first appointment, the nerves of the second appointment were unreal. 
When two o’clock came, we sat in a small room awaiting the doctor. Eventually, she came in and began the appointment. She touched Nikki’s lumps and said while she doesn’t believe its cancer; she’s going to need a mammogram to be safe. So, while we are close to being out of the woods, there’s still lots of prayers being said to continue our journey through these obstacles.

While the entire journey has been a series of ups and downs, today felt like one of the highest days we’ve had. We went to lunch and as we sat there we began ranting about life and what we wanted to happen, how we wanted it to happen and then it caught up to us; there we were – wishing, hoping, making plans, creating images of what could be without what was. That was the worst part about the letdown; having an image of what was supposed to be and accepting what was. As we finished our lunch, I felt aggravated with myself; why was I doing this to myself again? Getting my hopes up, thinking about this and wondering about that, of course, Nikki noticed right away and while we went into the store for a friends birthday gift, she nonchalantly walked to a baby item and pointed it out, without making plans, without setting expectations. She knew I wanted to have all of these hopes and wanted to do nothing but talk about the possibilities, that’s why I love her, that’s why we work; she knows just the right thing to do in order to comfort my emotions even when I don’t know how.

So, while today was a great day for the books, it’s not the end yet. A disappointment could very much be in our future, or, a baby.