Thursday, September 29, 2016

One down, One to go.

It’s been eight long torturing days since our IUI, with still six to go I can’t help but feel completely unsure. Some days I feel like there’s no way I’m not pregnant and others I feel like there’s just no way that I am. We’ve been through two week waits so many times before, but this one’s different. This one has potential, this one was planned perfectly. If this one fails, I don’t know what we can do differently.

I feel like I am going to start my monthly enemy within the week; I have all the classic premenstrual symptoms and I can’t help but feel down. This process feels like it’s put a complete stop to our lives, every dime we have is tied up and every action we consider is paused as we don’t know what to expect next. Am I pregnant? Do we have to do this again in a few weeks? Emotionally, can we handle another month of this? Maybe I’m getting ahead of myself but with nothing but time on my hands, I just can’t help it.

I know I’m not infertile per say, however, I also know that I have several factors that cause infertility and an increasing risk of more cysts, endometriosis returning and cervical cancer scares which cause me to feel my time is slightly limited. This two week wait can literally drive a person crazy, especially when everything around you feels frozen until you receive an answer. While almost everyone close to us knows what we are going through, I’ve hardly talked about it due to the possible let down we may face next week. As much as this post is seemingly negative, I have done everything to stay positive and hold onto the small amount of hope I have; but the closer we get, the more afraid I become of our future.

Six days, which is 144 hours and 640 long minutes until we can test and get ready for the next step in this journey.