Wednesday, September 14, 2016

Let the rollercoaster begin..


Tonight I begin my first dosage of Clomid for this month. The doctor has upped my milligrams to 100mg in hope of better follicles compared to last month. I don't know how confident I feel as today I have had an extremely overwhelming, rough day. As I wrote in my first post, IUI and fertility treatment is very expensive and Florida does not see infertility as a medical emergency – therefore, my insurance I pay for monthly will not cover any part of the treatment, including ultrasounds ( even though if it was for any other reason; it’d be covered). Anyways, while I know and have come to terms with this, today my insurance decided not to cover my regular monthly scripts and has added another bill to a pile of bills that’s very quickly adding up.

Of course we have set aside a good amount of money, well, enough to do IUI three times total. Every month we do an ultrasound without the IUI, we are spending anywhere from 330-450 dollars on medication and injections. Well, when this happened today I began feeling overwhelmed and just sad. It’s hard to live in a body that simply won’t work. I know many people may say, well you’re gay.. so what’d you expect? But the truth is, we’ve tried natural ways with donors, we’ve ordered fresh and frozen semen and we simply have never had success. The doctor believes my endometriosis, ovarian cysts and tumor very well could indicate fertility issues and blockage issues, however, my D&C should have cleared this up ( from my ultrasound last month, my ovary looks good) so here I am, ranting on about financial and re justifying every single thing we have done in order to start our family.

I joined a support group about a month ago on Facebook, I have to say these ladies are the strongest ladies I’ve ever encountered. I read several stories about what they are going through and I sit amazed by the strength they all have. I always talked to anyone who would listen until eventually I felt like a broken record, people can hear me, but they just can’t understand what its really like. These ladies are there for one another in ways they could never realize and I pray every day for them to start their families and find peace for the ones they lost. In a world full of so much hate, so much negativity I can’t help but think about these ladies, sharing their stories and literally helping other people in the group just deal. If someone is reading this, I highly recommend finding a support group. Maybe you don’t like to talk about it and that’s ok, you may find a post useful and that can make a difference all on its own.

Sometimes when I think about what my wife and I are going through, I find myself racing with so many questions and much hate for my own body. I look in the mirror some nights and wonder why my body won’t work the way it’s supposed too. My childhood entailed some things that I wonder had they not happened, would I be broken? It’s a fight I fight inside daily, this is my first time typing it. If I fought a little harder, would my body work a little better? I was ten, so was I developed enough to have encountered damage from it? Is it hereditary? Is it because I’m gay? …. All of these questions when said out loud sound silly, they sound like someone should tell me “just relax” (never tell me to just relax! I try to relax, it doesn’t work =P). The truth is, I don’t know why this is happening to us, I don’t know why I haven’t gotten pregnant yet and I don’t know if I ever will.. but this is the month I am praying to try at least once with IUI…