Tuesday, September 13, 2016

Just Relax!

So far, I’m enjoying this blog. I was cautious at first as I didn’t know how I would feel putting my … our story out for the world to read, but it seems that many won’t read it and to the ones who do, I hope it helps you with your journey, or if you know us, I hope it allows you to truly understand how much everyone around us has made our lives so much better and in so many ways, tolerable. I also hope for anyone who reads this, to always know it is based merely off daily emotions and situations we encounter, how they make us feel and how we get through them. Being married is hard enough, being married untraditionally and dealing with infertility can throw just about anyone for a loop. So, here goes my second post; “Oh relax!” is what I’ll call it, the two words nobody with infertility issues wants to hear..

When we began our journey, we expected a lot of back lash. Two females getting married is one thing, two females attempting to have a family is completely untraditional and by many, frowned upon. We are both very blessed to be surrounded by so much support by our families, friends and even doctors. The acceptance we’ve encountered has made this journey just a little easier on us.
It's the people who surround us that make this world just a little brighter

While the entire world around us has been supportive, there are still things that are said that are meant for support but they truly do not help. I don’t mean to turn this into an ungrateful blog, however, for anyone dealing with infertility or going through the IUI process, hearing “just relax” or “it’ll happen when it is supposed to” or “I have a good feeling you will get pregnant’ really only puts more pressure on us. I’ve gone back and forth so many times with trying to relax more, trying to stay positive, trying to be happy but at the end of the day, I’m not. I’m not happy because I feel broken, I feel like my body is doing things I cannot control and that’s something impossible to accept. At the end of the day, at the end of the month, at the beginning of every period, there are no amount of good feelings, relaxing, positive thoughts or words of wisdom that can take away the pain of another failed attempt for a family.
While this is our second month and first attempt (doctor willing) it is also our second month of my body preparing its-self, my hormones being put out of whack and hoping my body reacts to them the way I need it too. I feel selfish for feeling sorrowful, I have such an opinion on our journey, I feel sad most days but feel like I need to hide it because truly, people hear my words, my wife stands next to me and deals with me daily, but nobody could ever possibly feel how my body feels, nobody can feel the disappointment I have in myself, the brokenness I feel daily and the desire to provide a safe home for us to start a family in my body. Every time we cannot try to conceive, every time we get a negative test, every time we deal with the side effects, we lose. We haven’t ever lost a baby (thank God!), but every month we lose.

There’s truly no words that can help someone dealing with infertility, there’s really no way to explain the way hormone medication and trigger shots effect a person and that can sometimes make you lose all hope and feel completely broken and alone. Sometimes accepting the possibility you may never have your own child, you may never see that positive pregnancy test or get the chance to see the excitement on your families face when you tell them they’re going to be grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins or great-grandparents can take a toll on a person. Sometimes, it’s best to accept the possibility of it never happening and accepting that is sometimes harder than anything else!